On years of showing up, and what we’re losing in an age of “friendships”
Today my grandfather had a get together program. His schoolmates met each other.
In their mid-eighties, they still meet with that spirit and affection. The spirit of people who have chosen, year after year for nearly 55 years, to show up for each other. To gather. To be present. To hold each other.
And in that room, I witnessed something I didn’t know I was losing.
The Witnesses We Become
Everyone in that room holds their own story. Their own perspectives about life. Their own wisdom earned through decades of living.
I met someone amongst them about whom I felt respect, care, affection. Someone who did Manas Sarovar parikarma twice. Who read thousands of books. Who in my childhood made a little impact on me — gave me the courage to believe that parikarma, that spiritual pilgrimage, was possible.
Today he didn’t recognize me. He didn’t even remember me. He suffers from Alzheimer’s.
But I came back to meet him anyway. And that is when I understood something profound.
Wasn’t he the reason I came back? Wasn’t he an unknown inspiration? Wasn’t the impact he created in my childhood — without even knowing it — so deep that even now, decades later, even though he doesn’t remember me, I still show up?
That is what real impact looks like. It is not about being remembered. It is about having left such a deep imprint on someone that they show up for you even when you have forgotten they exist.
And I felt something shift inside me. Because what remained with me — what will remain with me — is not his memory of me. It is his presence. His passion. The way he treated me, even today, in his confusion. The way he treated everyone.
That is what stays. Not the recognition. Not the memory. But the presence. The impact. The invisible thread that connects us even when memory fails.
My Grandfather’s Lesson
My grandfather holds a different story. Someone I have known my whole life. Someone who stands upheaded in any situation. Life may not have been easy toward him. But I have never seen him cribble about it. I have never seen him blame the situation or blame his decisions.
He shows up. Year after year. He meets his friends. Not because he has to. But because that is what friends do.
What Real Friendship Actually Is
These people taught me something that took me decades to understand: friendship is not about good days or school memories.
It is way more than that.
In their age, they still meet each other so passionately and hold each other so tightly. These people who hold their friendship from the days when mobile phones, landline phones were not even a part of their life.
So that made me wonder: is it about communication?
I feel no. It is not about communication.
It is about affection. Care. Respect. That is what friendship holds.
No grand gestures. No social media posts. No performative displays of closeness. Simply a conversation which holds laughter, care, and a bunch of old memories which makes them younger again.
The Stories They Hold
Everyone in that room holds a story. A story of memories. Life experiences. And much more.
A retired military officer who holds the experience of army life another holds the experience of mountains. My grandfather who holds the experience of the Judicial Court. Another who holds the experience of business. And so on. Each one a lifetime of experience, wisdom, perspective. And they gather. Year after year. For nearly 55 years. Just to make each other feel happy.
Not for professional networking. Not to gain anything. Not for any reason except: we are friends, and friends show up.
The Consistency That We’ve Lost
Here is what struck me most deeply: they have been meeting yearly for 40 years.
For 50-55 years. Without text messages reminding them. Without Facebook events. Without group chats to coordinate. Without the infrastructure of modern communication.
They simply decided: we will meet. Every year. No matter what. And they did.
Do you know how rare that is? Do you understand what that means?
In our generation, a friendship that lasts five years feels like a miracle. We celebrate people who we “stay in touch with” through occasional text messages or likes on social media. We consider ourselves close to people we haven’t seen in years but follow on Instagram. But these people — they made a different choice. They chose consistency. They chose to show up in person. Year after year. For 40 years.
How to Be That Kind of Friend
Here is what I learned from watching them:
1. Show up. Actually show up.
Not digitally. Not virtually. Not with a quick text saying you’re thinking of them. Actually be there. In person. In their presence.
2. Keep the commitment even when it is inconvenient.
Life gets harder as we age. Travel becomes difficult. Health becomes uncertain. And yet they still gather. Year after year. They choose the commitment over the comfort.
3. Hold space for the whole person.
These friends have known each other for 60+ years. They know not just the good versions of each other. They know the failures, the struggles, the choices that didn’t work out. And they still gather. They still hold each other. They still show up.
4. Don’t need the other person to remember you the same way.
My grandfather’s friend doesn’t remember me. But I was there anyway. I held him anyway. I received his presence anyway. Because friendship is not transactional. It is not based on reciprocal memory. It is based on presence.
5. Make it simple.
Just gather. Just talk. Just laugh. Just hold the old memories. Don’t need grand gestures. Don’t need perfect venues or expensive dinners. Just need each other.
What We’re Losing
In our generation, we have more ways to stay connected than ever before in human history. We can message someone instantly. We can see their life unfold on social media. We can video call them across oceans. And yet we are losing friendships at unprecedented rates.
We are losing consistency because we expect connection to happen effortlessly, digitally. We think a text message is equivalent to presence. We think liking someone’s post is equivalent to showing up for them.
We are losing depth because we are collecting friendships instead of cultivating them. We have hundreds of followers, thousands of friends, and we are profoundly alone.
We are losing intentionality because we have outsourced it to algorithms. Instagram reminds us of someone’s birthday. We post a message. We feel like we have maintained the friendship. We haven’t.
We are losing the willingness to commit long-term because everything is temporary now. Relationships, jobs, cities, identities — everything is treated as provisional. Something you can always switch if something better comes along. But real friendship is not provisional. It is nearly 50-55 year commitment to show up. Year after year. Even when it is difficult. Even when life gets in the way. Even when the other person’s memory fails and they don’t recognize you.
You show up anyway.
The Question These bunch of Years Ask
These friends are asking a question that modern friendships are not equipped to answer:
Are you willing to commit to being present for decades?
Not for the good times. Not for the moments when it is convenient. But for the decades. The ordinary years. The years when life is hard and people are struggling. The years when you are aging and travel is difficult and everything seems impossible.
Are you willing to gather anyway?
Are you willing to show up?
The Batch That Taught Me
This batch of friends — they taught me what true friendship actually is.
It is not about Facebook memories or Instagram stories. It is not about texting each other at 2 AM or having long philosophical conversations on the phone.
It is about showing up. Year after year. For 40 years. Through all the changes, all the struggles, all the life that happens in between.
It is about gathering in a room and simply being together. Holding each other. Remembering together. Laughing together.
It is about affection, care, respect. The things that matter. And it is about the quiet commitment to do this again. Next year. No matter what. No matter where life takes you.
Author’s Note: Real friendship is all about respect, care and holding each other. It is consistency over perfection. It is presence over performance.
Leave a Reply